Complete - Delete - Repeat

Have you ever started working on something you were so excited about, only to stop or throw it away simply because it didn't feel right? Fear and anxiety can make you question your creative decisions or choices. When this happens regularly, you start to question why you are even creating in the first place. Working through these thoughts can get you back to doing what you love.

March Break is an opportunity to spend dedicated quality time with my daughter, who is now nine years old. She is growing so fast; sometimes I am afraid if I blink, she will be 35. And I will be… well, older than 35. So I take advantage of any extra time I spend with her.

When March 2020 “happened,” we became more creative with how to spend our time at home without being in front of a screen every day.

We found our March Break groove in 2022. Rather than craving museums & galleries, we went for hikes and park visits, had our own "bake-a-palooza" (a baking day), themed crafting days and other activities. We still ran into many families rushing to get here and there to occupy their time. I wrote a Twitter thread about the madness of the rush during March Break.

I was thinking about this thread as I wrapped up another March Break. This year was different as my brother and nephew spent a few days with us. In advance of their visit, I went into uber planning mode. The goal was to limit the chaos inside my home. My physical home. And it worked. We had a fantastic visit.

Despite the planning and fun times, I forgot I had limited control of the chaos outside my home. I also didn’t prepare for the chaos that would take place in my mind.

The more I documented this year’s March Break MADNESS daily, the more excited I became about sharing the detailed experiences in a future newsletter.

I rushed to have a first draft done by Sunday night. I was more than delighted with the version that bloomed onto my screen.

I woke up Monday morning and had an epiphany.

I no longer wanted to share what I wrote.

So I deleted it. 😬 Well, 90% of it.

A massive wave of fear came over me when I deleted all those words in one go.

At first, I was satisfied with my decision.

Then… the voices started.

First up was doubt & confusion, with a dab of panic:

• “What the hell were you thinking?”

• “Are you nuts?”

• “What the crazy bat shit is going on here???”

As I took deep breaths, another voice tried to justify the original write-up:

• “Well, of course, you have every right to complain in public! How dare complete strangers not understand your point of view about the art of standing in line?!!! Write away, my friend!!! Write away!!!”

Some voices are too vulgar to repeat here.

The worst of the worst were the defeated voices that popped up to bring me down:

• “You are such a PHONEY!”

• “Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, will read this newsletter!”

• “Simply put… YOU SUCK.”

All of these chaotic thoughts in my mind happened in a span of 2 minutes. It felt like hours.

Despite the noise, quitting was not an option I considered. Starting again from scratch was daunting at first. Once I started writing a new draft, the other voices went on mute (or strike). Writing took longer, yet I am much happier with the results.

FYI - The earlier newsletter draft went into a detailed rant about rushing for things rather than enjoying the moment. I loved my original draft. I just chose to burn it. And not because it was terrible. Not because it wasn't perfect. It just didn't feel like the right time to share.

It was a practice of following my gut instinct.

As entertaining as it may have been to read (for some), do I need to relive the detailed horrors of screaming babies, strollers ramming into my arse, dirty looks from parents who want to jump the queue in front of me, and so on? Do I want to go on and on about the stress I placed on myself to get the family coordinated to leave the house each day only to be at the mercy of the ever reliable Public Transit Gods?? Should I even dare talk about the night I so desperately wanted to polish off a bottle of wine when I only had a glass' worth left over, so I hung the bottle upside down, waiting for the last drops to fall into my mouth???

I could. And to what benefit? I end up with more anxiety as I read and edit. I pass that anxiety along to you lovely readers. You decide to punch somebody in the mouth or drive into the back of a car from your newfound rage motivated by my moments of ARGH'S. I’m unsure if I want that kind of responsibility hanging over me. Also, I don’t want you to DIE.

Some March Break memories live on in my journal. Maybe they will show up in another writing format somewhere else. Perhaps I will have the pleasure of writing it all out again, or maybe it is just meant for my journal. Who knows?

My gut knows.

When I listen, the writing flows and the fear subsides.

There will be times when I will have to start from scratch. The more I trust my gut when writing, the more I am comfortable with that reality.

Thanks for reading!

All the best, and always remember to trust your gut - you will know what feels right.

~Naddy/Nadine