Learning to love my BOO

It’s my anniversary and I am celebrating this week!

I’m sorry to disappoint any romantics in the crowd. I am not writing about how I, rocking a Sailor Moon t-shirt, spotted my future husband across a crowded room on a warm December night.  The wooing took place last week 25 years ago and warrants its own newsletter at a later time.

This week is for another celebration - one whole year with my BOO and a happy uterus. 

Sounds weird? Then sit back and relax as I take you back in time to December 13, 2022 - the day I had surgery to remove multiple fibroids.

Not far back enough?  How about April 2012, the time when I had multiple fibroids surgically removed?

I am not repeating myself.  I had the same Myomectomy twice (think hysterectomy without removing the uterus) at the same hospital.

I won’t go into all the gory surgery details (however if you ever want to see post-images of my fibroids similar to Dr Pimple Popper, hit me up!).  Both surgeries were “successful” in their own way, yet the latter experience had a better outcome. Believe it or not, the difference was writing - an incredible tool to work through stress, acknowledge anger and fears, and plan for the future.

The first mass of fibroids impacted my body, mind and spirit in the early 2000s.  Before April 2012 (surgery #1), I was not writing and conditioned myself to believe admitting to any pain was BAD. I had no rationale for the range of emotions I was feeling. The prevalent ones were bouts of anger, frustration and FEAR about the fibroids.

Two large fibroids were removed during Surgery #1. I named them BIG B and “The Wrapper,” because one wrapped around my uterus. One other fibroid was left behind because it was too risky to remove where it was located. I forgot about this little one as BLOBBY became untamed. It multiplied and threw wild college frat parties in my uterus, 24/7. I was the homeowner living in another part of the home and trying to endure the noise. A part of me was a tad upset for the wrong reasons - I was never invited to their parties. The problems grew as I continued to live in denial of the growing pain and negative feelings about “BLOBBY and the Gang.”  

A mind virus grew alongside the physical pain. My poor uterus was crying for help.  I could not and would not listen.  I didn’t know how.

Fast-forward to the summer of 2021. The unwanted party guests grew out of control. They kept me up at all hours of the night.  I knew BLOBBY and friends had to go. I was angry and disappointed about the possibility of a second surgery, yet in so much physical pain I could not ignore this option any longer.

February 2022 marked two major milestones in my life:

• I signed paperwork requesting a date for a second Myomectomy; and

• I officially started writing daily.

I didn’t think of these events being connected back then.  Over time they became intertwined.

The new daily writing sessions cleared my head from thoughts I held onto for years, if not decades. The first time I started to reflect, looking back at the words used to describe myself, my surroundings and my body, I was sad.  I knew so much of what I wrote was not true. And I didn’t want the rest of my words to be true anymore. 

Writing healed me. 

When I look back at my life, I see the patterns of how writing has always healed me. When I stopped writing for a long time in my 30s and early 40s anger, sadness, pain and other negative thoughts festered inside me. 

I reconciled with this truth - the fibroids existed, and I did not have to live with this pain. I didn’t have to lie to myself or live through this experience alone any longer. Writing and journaling helped me recognize the importance of self-care. 

With newfound confidence by revisiting my past, I was ready to take my uterus back from Blobby. Yet, I wasn’t only looking back. I manifested daily by writing about a future without pain. What are the questions I need to confirm with my medical team? How can I have a better result from the surgery this time around compared to last time? How can I better prepare my family? What type of support do I require? What environment do I need to establish so another BLOBBY doesn’t try to move in and intimidate me? 

By the time December 2022 came around, I was quite obsessed with my daily writing habit. I was able to cope better with various stresses and emotions.  I learned how to recognize untrue thoughts and sift through the noise. I was able to enjoy the present while acknowledging the past and planning for the future.

I continued writing each day while in the hospital. I wrote through the first night to ease the pain and anxiety post-surgery.  When I looked at my writing the next day, it was a hot mess of scribbles (thanks, morphine).

Regardless of whatever I was trying to say, at least I got it out of me!

The results from surgery #2 were better than what the surgeons expected. “BLOBBY and the Gang” were finally evicted - all 13 of them. Unfortunately, they abandoned one tiny baby blob. Poor Baby BOO was too much of a risk to remove by a vein. And despite the risks of having the same surgery twice, the recovery went smoother than the first time. I was able to take extra time off work to heal from everything. I had a lot of help from my family so I could rest.  I gave in to accepting help. I felt way more prepared with the second surgery. Writing helped me set myself up for success.

What a difference a year makes.  I feel physically better. I'm not afraid anymore to admit to myself when I'm in pain and when I need help. I am learning daily how to love my little BOO instead of driving the lonely orphan into bad family habits filled with booze and parties. 

Fear, anger and sadness can fester and manifest into all kinds of physical conditions in your body. Sometimes it's hard to see what is happening without being honest with your feelings. 

I recommend “WRITING things out” to acknowledge your pain and to determine the next steps to heal. If you don’t want to commit to a journal or regular writing routine, try writing yourself a letter whenever you have an urge to express yourself. It can be as simple as: 

Feel free to add more to this letter only if you are feeling it.  Email or post-mail the letter to yourself, burn it, rip it up, or save it for another day to read. 

The best part of this process is removing the draining thoughts from your head and seeing these thoughts in real time as you write. Simultaneously, you remove the same thoughts from your body so they are no longer festering somewhere inside you. 

Having an outlet to deal with pain is extremely important. There are many tools out there to try. Why not write? It continues to be a game-changer and my lifesaver. I'm grateful for the experience and lessons I’ve learned from writing about my health along the journey.

Happy anniversary, uterus! (And keep the noise down in there, little BOO!)

Wishing you good health and many healing words, fellow creatives.

Naddy / Nadine