At peace with scars

I write about my fears to determine which ones are real and which ones I should face. It’s not always easy. The fears often remind me of a past I would rather bury. Some things must be uncovered, even rediscovered, to start or continue the journey.

When I finally decided to take a leap forward (with the newsletter), I knew I had to take a step back.

I had a massive email list that once received my older newsletters. This list was untapped for over a decade. I resolved to reach out and see how many would be interested in joining a new distribution list.

This was hard for me at first. It triggered many bad memories of those who tore my older newsletters apart. These memories left significant scars on my self-esteem. I allowed the anxious thoughts to convince me that I would never be a good writer. I turned away from writing for too many years as a result. Their words continue to make me doubt my writing choices.

Did I want to relive those feelings all over again?

Sure, I thought, why the heck not?!?

I knew this was a hurdle I needed to climb over.

I kept the message short and sweet to all my contacts, including those that hurt me and those I lost touch with. I outlined my letter before writing it in full, as I wanted to:

• Acknowledge, not apologetically, that I haven't been in touch with many for years, if not decades;

• Provide a brief update on my life;

• Share the excitement about my new writing journey, which included the truth about what made me stop years ago;

• Announce the new newsletter with the sign-up link; and

• Give people an OUT for not keeping in touch, now or ever.

Writing the email was easier than expected. Hitting SEND was the hard part.

January 26th was the day it all came together (for no particular reason other than it was a Thursday). I set up the email and took a deep breath when I sent it.

Upon a slow exhale, I received replies from many old friends I had lost touch with. Each message was positive and encouraging. And it was nice to receive updates on other people's lives.

But something unexpected happened…

A few replies were from people who provided negative feedback in the past. Their messages were supportive of the newsletter coming back to life.

What the…?!?!?

Maybe they have NO CLUE how their older words impacted the direction of my life!

Or maybe they did, and they are pretending to be supportive? Are they faking it? Are they planning a future “word stab-a-thon?” (Nah… I’ll go with the “they don’t know how to communicate properly” idea.)

Especially considering it reminded me of something I am highly conscious of when I write NOW.

Words are powerful. They should be used responsibly.

Not everybody knows how to wield a sword that can easily wound another. Their swords were once sharp and I didn’t know how to shield. They left me alone and afraid, whether they knew what they were doing or not. I bled for far too long. Thankfully, my wounds healed enough to try again.

The healing process made me blank out on something else - the constant few that encouraged me from the sidelines. Some threw over the bandages and Polysporin for the wounds. Others prayed in silence for me to receive bonus armour. They couldn’t wait to see how I wielded my sword, even when I didn’t know it myself.

Ugh, all of a sudden, I have a craving for MEDIEVAL TIMES!

The point is… I concentrated too much on the scars from my past, allowing them to be true in my current paradigm. In turn, I drowned out positive comments from those who genuinely enjoyed what I was sharing.

The email was the surprise boost required to overcome the hurdle of launching this newsletter. It was a form of self-care I didn’t know I needed until after sending the email. And in the end, their replies helped me over the edge of the cliff (with a swift KICK!).

Thanks for reading!

And THANK YOU for continuing the kicks! Every email, text, tweet or other forms of message you send me about the newsletter & my writing journey - good or bad - means more than you know.

Naddy / Nadine