Writing With Angst In The Dark

In August, my family gave me a new journal (sketchbook) and gel pens for my birthday. My daughter decorated the front cover with Sailor Moon stickers. I enjoy finding an inspirational quote to add to my new journals. I delayed using this journal until I found a quote connecting the decor to my creative path and this season’s journey 

On a different animated topic, I watched Inside Out 2 last week. 

In a nutshell, Inside Out and its sequel are Disney Pixar movies about the various emotions controlling a young girl’s thoughts and actions. 

I recommend watching the first movie, Inside Out. It is fun for all ages.

Inside Out 2? MEH!

I am not a fan of sequels, and Inside Out 2 did not disappoint. The first movie showcased five core emotions - Joy, Sadness, Fear, Anger and Disgust - learning together to navigate a difficult period in pre-teen Riley’s life. Inside Out 2 was the same movie with an older Riley, additional characters and less emotion (even though the movie was about emotions). The additions were not flushed out as the trailers implied (foiled again by marketing), ending up with flat characters following only one or two domineering emotions. In this case, the movie centered around Joy vs. Anxiety. Every other emotion became a sidekick instead of an individual contributor. 

My immediate reactions to Inside Out 2 were more in line with three of Riley’s original emotions - Anger, Disgust and Sadness. I wanted to see how Riley faired with puberty. There was less time spent with Riley and more time watching her neurotic emotions, old and new, battling for dominance. It seemed the lessons learned in the first movie (embracing all emotions, or no single emotion should hold the control panel) were forgotten in the second movie.

I could add a rant about how the additional emotions in this tween/teen don’t seem to exist in adults (her parents, for example), and the original core emotions expressed more than one emotion in the second movie (and less of their original emotion).  No, Anger, you cannot be happy AND angry. Is “annoyance” an emotion? Because this is how this movie made me feel at the end - annoyed. Anyway, I will save this vent for another newsletter… maybe. I’m too angry about this Anger thing…

One part of Inside Out 2 hit close to home. Riley worked hard to impress others at a hockey camp to the point where she lost control of her emotions. With Anxiety controlling the panel, she couldn’t stop Riley from panicking in the penalty box. Joy tried to convince Anxiety to let go as everything around the panel spun at ludicrous speed. Anxiety was frozen, not knowing what to do except hold on to the panel for dear life. When Anxiety pried her fingers away, the swirl remained and Riley continued to have a panic attack - breathing heavily and hitting her head. No one was in control for a few moments as Riley was overwhelmed by swirling thoughts.

Unfortunately, this scene was rushed and ended quickly as time was running out for Pixar to get to the happy ending. Yay, Joy dances with Riley playing hockey. Anxiety gets a comfy chair. All is well. Cue the sparklers!

My mind control panel includes spinning bouts with Anxiety over the shorter days and longer nights. I struggled with waking up in the darker mornings for a few weeks. I rely on the bright sun to be a natural alarm clock. Less sunlight affects my mood and energy. 

One day in particular, a few days after watching Inside Out 2, I woke up in a panic. The time was 6:47 am.

I worried about the writing time I lost. I convinced myself if I didn’t write in the 20 minutes I cuddled with my cat Mimi and then passed out due to her hypnotic purrs, I would not write later in the day (or write very little). How will this impact my writing streak? Do I still care about writing? Is my creative journey over? And where did these thoughts come from?

“Oh my goodness, the day is already OVER! I am going to miss out on THIS, I won’t get to THAT, and my life is completely RUINED because I didn’t have sunlight to wake up earlier!”

Did I mention it was a Sunday morning and I had ZERO plans for the day?

When anxious thoughts arise in the mornings, it becomes hard to write throughout the day. I don’t want to be stuck spinning and visualizing worst-case scenarios. I also don’t want to be Joy if it means pretending I am OK with sleeping in and not writing at a time when I feel at my creative best.

Last year I wrote about how Fall sucks. It became habitual to get into the dreaded “I miss my sunlight, now I am sad and can’t wake up in time” mode every Autumn. It isn’t the season to blame. Writing with weird angst in the dark sucks. It doesn’t need to be this way. I can change the pattern. But it will take more than a flick of a switch.

Reflecting on past journals reinforced my love for the morning writing routine. Anxiety arose often in the Fall months when I believed:

• I did not have enough time to write in the mornings, and 

• There was no time to write during the day.

In the past, I didn’t want to restrict myself to a set amount of time to write per day.  This may be the wrong creative approach for my writing style today.  Rather than have a limit, I plan to set a minimum writing time. Some writers I follow set a writing minimum of 5 minutes per day. 5 minutes!!! This seems absurd. At the same time, they always write more than 5 minutes. 

I adore my writing mornings and will continue to guard this time while committing to a minimum daily writing block. I've noticed an improvement in my mood and productivity with writing in the dark this week using the new approach. 

When anxiety has you spinning out of control, there is no easy way to “let it go.” Determine the triggers and patterns leading up to the anxious thoughts. See if there are ways for the creative flow to work with or around these thoughts.

With the new season underway, I started writing in my new journal on October 1st. The inspirational quote I found matches the cover page decor and my creative path:

I believe this new way of looking at this season and my writing time will work out. And I believe in you and your creative journey. Keep going - you’ll know what to do, too.

Take care and believe in yourself, fellow creatives.

Nadine