3am Scribbles

I planned to write more about dreams this week. An early morning writing session had my mind pivot to a different topic: the Daytime Emmy Award-winning soap opera “The Young and The Restless.”

No, I haven’t fallen back on the TV soap-watching bandwagon. I receive Y&R updates as spoilers on my news feeds. I get my daily 5-minute fix and somehow retain as much information in my brain as I would if I watched entire episodes. I’ve reallocated my time (and energy) to writing or other activities.

One thing bothers me about Soap Operas. They never have an episode where a character lays in bed all day because they're tired. Any time a bed is in a scene, it’s because somebody is either at the hospital dying/nearly dying, or in a hotel room “making out” with a person they shouldn’t be with (looking at you two, Kyle Abbot and Audra Charles). And they look perfectly content regardless of the lack of sleep they should have had from all that dying or banging. When do these characters sleep? And when they do, are they sleeping well?

Real life is nothing like the Soap Opera world. I am no longer “young,” yet I will admit to being restless. I am not a good sleeper. As I've “aged,” it is a treat when a restful sleep comes my way.

I am not a doctor, so you don’t need to heed this advice - SLEEP is important. And not any sleep, a good rest to recharge your body and mind for the next day.

You can’t dream without sleep.

Back in the day, pre-WOW 2022 (I’ll explain later), sleepless nights were nearly every night. If it wasn’t because of physical pain, city living and external noises in my apartment from other units (drilling, electric staplers, loud pounding music vibrating through the floor and into my bed, the paperboy stomping down the hall and throwing newspapers at people’s doors in the early morning in addition to sirens) would keep me awake. After these noises dissipated over the years, the damage was done. My body became used to waking up in the middle of the night and not falling back to sleep right away.

I used to lay in bed many nights over the years and wallowed in pain and frustration when I couldn’t sleep. To ignore the pain, I would work at all hours of the night. When I was in too much pain to get up and walk to my computer, I pacified myself with my phone in bed.

I discovered BEJEWELED in 2020. It’s a tile-matching puzzle and game similar to Candy Crush but with shiny, colourful gems. It is easy to learn, fast-paced at times, and addictive.

I would play this game obsessively in the night. I thought it would help me sleep better. Instead, I felt worse because I would spend hours on a game trying to level up. Every time I failed, it felt like another knife stabbed my heart. That pain was anxiety… and shame.

I even started playing the ZEN version of the game, thinking this would be more calming. This version has levels you can NEVER LOSE - the game is in an infinite loop. And I still had anxiety about underperforming.

On nights when there wasn’t any noise and I was dead tired, my body formed the habit of waking up anyway. And since I’m up, where’s my phone? It didn’t make me feel any better. I would feel like crap all of the next day, for years.

This was before I had my WOW moment.

Here’s the abridged version: One night in January 2022, “something” woke me up (not noise). I spent a few hours writing multiple pages in a sketchbook, which eventually became my journal. After the moment, I decided to commit to a daily writing routine.

And I was able to fall back asleep after the impromptu writing session with ease.

(I am not sure why I have labelled this experience the “WOW moment.” I promise to share more details in a future newsletter.)

Post-WOW nights are different. Now when I wake up in the middle of the night I lay still and assess first. Am I really tired? If so I will try to go back to sleep. If I am not tired enough to sleep, have many scattered thoughts, or remember a dream, I know what to do.

I still have nights where I am exhausted and feel compelled to “write it out.” Why this usually happens between 2am and 4am is beyond me. After a short while, I start to feel calm and drowsy.

Writing sessions can go on for hours, depending on how much I have to write. These impromptu 3am scribble sessions have turned into story outlines, poetry, half-written essays, and more.

Writing does not always help with my sleep. Sometimes a physical ailment will keep me awake. Writing it out is a distraction for so long. I roll with it and see what works best.

I deleted Bejeweled from my phone not too long after the WOW moment. Why play an anxiety-induced game when I can play around with my own words that bring me calm???

When I pick up my phone in the middle of the night it’s to open Google Docs. There are nights when I think of something I want to share or write about. I will type it in Google Docs, then wake up later to expand on the idea.

I don’t know what “perfect sleep” is. I should never compare myself to others (real or fake) as we all have our own internal cycles to work out. As long as I remain realistic with the amount of sleep I need, no amount of Y&R (full episodes or spoilers) will distract from what’s important to me right now, which is staying on this writing path.

The best creative sessions come to me in the still of the night. The next time you are wide awake at night, grab a journal or notebook and see where your mind takes you.

Wishing you all restful, creative days and sweet, sweet dreams… that won’t wake you up in the middle of the night!

Naddy / Nadine