A blast from my past

Looking back should not be only about external influences. Reflection is just as powerful when one looks in the mirror. This means facing the fears head-on and making sense of the thoughts and decisions that feed those fears, whether intentional or not.

On January 26th, I sent out an email to old contacts about my new newsletter. I wrote about the power of words and their impact on my writing journey. However, I only wrote about one part of my past…

As mentioned last week, I received a wonderful response from former co-workers, old friends and others.

My favourite reply came from Shane.

A roommate from university reached out to say hello, provided a lovely update on his life, and forwarded to me the second newsletter I ever wrote & sent out.

I mean, EVER.

I was truly blown away. I don’t have copies of my first set of newsletters. They were all sent through my university email account; back then, I never thought to keep copies of them.

As I read through the second ever “Naddy’s Newsletter” (yes, that’s what it was called!) I quickly noticed how much of my life has stayed the same… and how much has changed.

Initially emailed in October 1997, the newsletter shared my opinions, “escapades,” and future plans while surviving undergrad university. I engaged readers by requesting responses to specific questions. I had code names for all my friends. I remembered how much fun I had writing these newsletters in WordPerfect (dating myself) at the school computer lab.

Some of the content was motivated by persons, places and things I still enjoy: Blue Jays (baseball), Young & The Restless (go figure!), travelling dreams and learning new things.

And, sure enough, I wrote about Sailor Moon (not getting emotional here as I proudly wear my Sailor Moon t-shirt as I write. Don’t judge me, people!).

One thing stood out to me as I kept reading.

It was the written tone of voice I used. When I read it now, it feels angry & afraid. Unfortunately, it felt all too familiar. This was the old me.

I deliberately insulted myself through my writing for cheap laughs. Back then, that was how I thought I had to write. I was desperate for attention and friendship because, deep down, I had always felt alone.

I was sensitive to how others spoke to me, but not to myself. There are millions of reasons why that was, which I won't get into today.

At a younger age, I was blind to how I treated myself. I convinced myself I didn't deserve love or kindness, so I insulted myself first before others could.

This is NOT my reality today. So much has changed, and continues to change, in my life. I strive to surround myself with people that actually LIKE me. I learned to like, respect and appreciate myself. It’s still a work in progress, and I enjoy learning more about myself daily.

I wrote about this many times in my journal last year to understand who I once was and who I strive to become:

Writing, which once kept me in a personal funk, has also set me free.

Now I am more careful with the words I use and mindful of the thoughts I share publicly.

Despite the epiphany, I cried happy tears reading that newsletter.

Thanks, Shane, for your email and the blast from my past.

So…

Who am I NOW?

I’m a human on a unique journey (no other spoilers!).

Thanks for reading & being part of this gut-inspired creative adventure with me. Take care!

Naddy/Nadine