A Fear in Disguise

The “3am scribbles” hit hard these past few weeks.

Usually, it is something spoken in a dream or a nagging thought from a previous day waking me up. I follow the same routine: I wake, I write, I go back to bed.  I write it out and, whether or not I can fall back asleep, I am grateful to download the noise from my head.

This week, I woke up from a question in which I could find no origin:

“Am I too old to write?”

I wasn’t sure where this came from at first.  As I started to write it out, my mind ran across a younger version of me getting dolled up to go to “The Club.”  

A memory of a specific moment at a dance club came to mind. I was in the bathroom with a few friends when an attractive young girl in the bathroom, beaming with energy, was excited to share with anybody sober enough to comprehend her news - she was celebrating her 21st birthday.  Every female in the crowded bathroom screamed Happy Birthday.  Some offered to buy her shots while others wanted to request songs on her behalf.

All of a sudden she blurted out: “Oh, I feel so oooooooold!” 

Not thinking for a microsecond, I flipped back: "Oh, just shut up already.” 

Multiple gasps echoed through the bathroom. I received the “You ruined my night!” stink-eye from the birthday girl. Ugh… I was the evil older lady telling a youngling to be quiet. No free shots for me tonight…

Why did I blurt this out?  I didn’t believe this birthday beauty was being true. I was convinced she was lying for more attention.  Not about her age - about feeling so OOOOOOOOOOOOOLD!

At the time of this event, I was already close to 30. I couldn't believe this little hottie thought 21 was OLD. I never saw 21 as old when I was 21. I did not see 30 as old when I was 30 and I saw 40 as less old when I turned 40. 

I am now… ahem, more than 40-ish Earth years old. I am thinking more about the things I want to pursue in my “later years.” One of these things is starting a writing “career.” And, like my mind does, I have more questions than answers.

Is a writing “career” along my path? Am I too old? Or should I be asking myself: “Am I too LATE” to start this?

And what the heck is “THIS???”

The problem wasn’t about age or time. It was a lack of understanding of what “THIS” is.  Somehow THIS manifested into a drunk hot chick in a washroom at the club whining about becoming a 21-year-old Granny. I have no problem telling others to shut up about their age woes. yet I have not shut my mind from festering thoughts about being oooooooooooold.

I used to worry I might have missed out on something when I was younger. I also see the benefits of waiting to pursue a dream. I see other writers and creatives at various ages and stages of their careers with an addictive drive propelling them to their goals. 

The more I scribbled and reflected on aging, the more I recognized my habitual reflex to blurt “I’m old” for laughs. I don't “feel” old. I do not hold onto a sense of loss for something I thought I should have had or could have had when I was younger. I do not regret starting a daily writing routine in my 40s. I am not ashamed to be taking up new writing skills and seeking the possibility of publishing later in my life. When I think about all I’ve done in my life, I crave writing more than I do currently. 

A new year is around the corner and I am unsure of what’s next for me in my writing journey. A part of me is excited about the unmapped path. Another part does not want to face fears of feeling inadequate. I am still afraid to call myself a writer. And if I can't call myself a writer, am I a writer? 

FEAR will make its way to you in any form to hold you back. Saying I’m “too old” or too young can be a habitual reflex blurted out to cover up other fears and anxieties. This week it came to me in the form of a question: “Am I too old to write?”  The answer is NO.

I will not allow AGE to dictate my goals or disguise itself from the writing fears still residing in me.  I am not early or late with writing - it is all happening exactly when and how it is meant to. I’m grateful for the opportunity to share my writing wins and losses. All experiences bring me closer to achieving my writing goals. 

Recent episodes with the 3am scribbles reminded me to:

• Have clearer writing intentions to remove or limit subconscious doubts.

• Review goals & intentions more often.  Are they realistic?  Are they too big?  If so, I will break them down.

• Prioritize my intentions - which ones are more important to me at this time? Which ones can wait?

• Continue to ask questions.  Journaling is a great way for me to keep track of and reflect on goals.  By the way, did I mention how much I love Journaling?

• Confirm my writing goals and intentions are not attached to any age. 

• Get more sleep!

• Acknowledge gratitude daily. Since starting my journey, I write down three things I am grateful for every day. I struggled to find gratitude with less sleep.  I will not chalk it up to getting OLD. There are many things to be grateful for, and being able to write daily is one of them.

When you are aligned with your dreams, goals and intentions, less noise comes your way at 3am… unless you are at “The Club” listening to young people whining about being oooooooooooooooooold! I’d rather stay home with the kitties and write in my prime “Granny” years!

Wishing you many free shots at your dreams no matter your age, fellow creatives.

Naddy / Nadine