Dropping the F-Bomb

The ripple effect taking place alongside my creative journey is fascinating.

Daily writing helps me pinpoint old fears and ideas I don’t want to necessarily hold onto anymore. My fear of writing has lessened in the past year. Other fears in my life have not. I want to move a few of these heavy stones permanently to keep the creative ripples flowing.

Some fears are small and have no explanation. For example, why am I afraid of raisin bread? Why do I hate stuff floating in my drinks (bubble tea creeps me out)? The ripples easily move around these pebbles.

I am also identifying huge boulders I can’t seem to move but want to explore. I am questioning why and how these stones became obstructions along my journey.

For example, my position on Facebook and other social media used to be extremely fixed and debilitating. There are many reasons why I avoided the F-word. It triggers major emotional scars because of how people who I thought were “friends” used the platform when I was first introduced to its existence 16 years ago.

If Twitter is similar to high school, FB to me is more like a giant toddler sandbox.

“Friends” built their castles and stomped on mine, whether I was there or not. They bragged about how much I was “missing out” on, even when they wouldn’t include me in their games. They pushed me to the corner of the box, not interested in communicating in any other way but this one platform.

And, when my hubby joined the sandbox, I saw how they continued to make me and others feel like bad “friends:”

• We were shunned if their castles were not praised in a timely manner (e.g. vacation photos, baby announcements, numerous selfies, parties they didn’t invite me to even though they lived a few blocks away);

• We didn’t want to agree to their castle being the best without a better argument than: “If you don’t agree with me then you need to unfriend me;”

• I was hurt when elaborate statements were made by “friends” being at their castle surrounded by all the friends and family they love… and I wasn’t included.

I avoided this sandbox like the cat-poop-infested plague. Being harassed and ridiculed to join FB was never a selling feature. When one’s FRIEND count seemed more important than the friendship, it would be infuriating. I didn’t want to be easily “found” by people I barely knew only to be another notch on their FB headboard. Seeing how many people used the platform to glorify the death of close friends disgusted me. I was bullied online before I was even online myself. I developed social (media) anxiety as a result.

In a nutshell, that’s been my F’in story.

As the sandbox trials continued and social etiquette diminished, I chose to stay away.

The good news? TWITTER, of all places, helped me see the power I possess with social media. I can control (to an extent) who sees my tweets. I can like people’s posts without being their FRIEND. I CAN MUTE AND BLOCK whoever and whenever I want. I’ve created a safe space and met truly incredible people in the process. Twitter HIGH is just that - a place to socialize if one wants (or be a loner) while learning tips and tricks on things you enjoy. And I don’t have to be ON all the time. I feel no guilt for not sending out a tweet daily or not following people who choose to follow me. I created my own Twitterverse. For the time being, it works.

Multiple social platforms now exist. FB has gone through considerable transformations since I was first asked to join many years ago. My definition of “friend” evolved to include people I have yet to meet in real life. The idea of social media has become less about “why bother" and more about how I want to spend my precious time.

The true battle, it seems, is within me.

If I become part of the F’in community today, after nearly two decades of hard NOs, does this make me a hypocrite?

If I continue to avoid FB, only because I have always avoided it, does this make me stubborn?

By asking myself these questions, does it show I am trying to be more fluid with my position on social media as a whole?

I’ve thought about this and other boulders for quite some time as I review how and where I want to spend my time going forward. Family and writing are important to me. I want to spend more time LEARNING as well. I haven’t exhausted Twitter yet, and there is more to learn from other platforms.

The real question is: how do I make the dreaded F word work for me, without feeling trapped or dishonest to myself?

Is this whole “FB is the DEVIL” stance a figment of my imagination? An overinflated trigger that became too big over time? Like Twitter, I have the power to choose how I want my social media experience to be. I used to be easily triggered by my thoughts on social media and it sucked energy from me. The battle in my mind wages on, and the choice to continue on is my own.

Is it time to climb over these boulders rather than continue to push?

I’m forever grateful to have daily writing and journaling in my life. Writing helps me see through the anger. It helps me determine the ideas and positions in my life where I want to be more fluid.

I will take the time I need before I step into the sandbox. Need to find a sifter for the cat poop first.

All the best in your creative explorations.

Naddy / Nad