I Lost My Job.

*denotes where there should be a “not so nice” word 🙂

Picture it.

Wednesday, January 10, 2023.

The day the music died.

The day the light went out.

The day my heart yearned to be mended back together…

Nah, I'm messing with you. January 10th marks the day I lost my job.

Before you read any further, please take a deep breath. 

And pick your jaw off the floor. 

And send booze my way to drown out the pain and despair of my failures as a human being (just joking… sort of).

No rants of anger will be spilled in this newsletter because I am… OK. 😬 

Let me take that back… I am a lot of things at this moment. I have 15 ½ years of my life to digest. “OK” is not a descriptive enough word to describe the intense and revolving emotions I am experiencing all at once. So it’s more accurate to say… I am “OK-ish.”

The gut never lies. Deep down, I knew something was up with my position for a while. And a part of me prayed for a resolution. So…I… asked for this? They say “God” works in mysterious ways… but this was not cool, Big G.

I haven't been sleeping well for months. The sleepless nights got worse as of December.  I barely slept Tuesday night into Wednesday this week.  I woke up Wednesday morning with a panic attack. My gut was trying to warn me while my brain was still in denial before “the meeting” which took place at the beginning of my last work day.

I wish this loss only affected me.  Unfortunately, my team was also impacted. This broke my heart more than losing my own job.

My gut continues to turn in disbelief as I determine how to pivot into a new reality. Many questions roam through my mind.  The first one being, “WHAT THE FLYING *UCK?!?!???” 

Seriously, I am “OK-ish” (which is code for “send BOOZE and Wavy Lays CHIPS, STAT.” Not RUFFLES Chips. WAVY LAYS - there is a difference!).

Other questions roaming through my mind include:

• How am I supposed to live without this job?

• Did I give this job too much purpose in my life? Did I allow this job to define who I was?

• Why did (the company) not want me anymore? Was I not good enough? Was I not flexible??? Did I not showcase all of my talents?

• Why would another company want ME, if this one doesn’t? How do I promote my vast skill set?

• How do I continue writing after all this? Do I bother to continue?

These questions came from a pit of FEAR I carried for over a decade. I was always living in fear of losing my job and not being able to provide for my family. I was also brainwashed into fear of leaving on my own due to other people’s fears. It is a horrible place to live in the mind.

On the flip side, I leave with incredible memories. Many milestones in my life took place during my work tenure. I planned my wedding (and went through with it!), lost two amazing cats (RIP, Ziggy and Coffee), and trained for and finished my first marathon. I spoke to the late Wayne Dyer in 2009 on his radio show while on a lunch break! My water broke at the office before leaving to give birth to my daughter the next day (remind me to tell you about the DEPENDS story sometime!). I went through two myomectomies, survived to tell the tale, and RETURNED TO WORK despite the stress. 

And I started this writing journey. 

My workplace was my life. I unknowingly embraced my job as a larger part of who I was.

Now that the chain is severed, I need to pivot and redefine who I am.

Or do I?

This is where writing comes in…

For nearly two years, I have been unknowingly preparing myself for this job loss alongside my writing journey. My gut already knew. The writing was on the wall (or in this case, in my journal and Google Docs).

I used writing to escape workday stress as a way to not “bring work home” each day.  I wrote out my frustrations from certain work days and left them in my journal. I would reflect on journal entries to assess how true they were and how to navigate in future scenarios. I wrote personal essays and poems on workplace harassment and silent bullying, systemic workplace “isms” (racism, ageism and sexism), and quasi-hierarchial *bullspit. I enjoyed expressing my takes on the changing media and data landscape, navigating remote and hybrid work, and the illusions of work/life balance. These difficult personal conversations made me a stronger communicator and team player.

Writing is a way to express my deep gratitude for some of the most incredible people I’ve ever met. My daily practice helps me recognize people and things I am grateful for in all aspects of my life, including at my former job. I am forever grateful for the connections and true friendships made over the 15.5 years. I am grateful to the individuals who allowed me to grow into the many hats I wore when nobody else wanted to believe in me. I am grateful for the learning experiences and mentorship provided to me when they were available. I am grateful to have witnessed the birth and bloom of a new department and vision at my company years ago, and to be part of the bloom. I am grateful to have worked with the best *flipping Data Team in the Infiniverse (while we lasted). I am grateful for the opportunity to work closely with knowledgeable individuals, departments, and executives while expanding my skills in analytics, data and project management. I am also grateful for the neutral and negative encounters with individuals who purposefully chose not to know me and how valuable and loyal an employee I was because they were not interested in being a team player.

My recent work life was more intertwined with my writing journey than I realized:

• I sell myself short. I have a strong work ethic and a unique skill set, making me a valuable asset to any company. I don't think this was properly communicated to my former employer, distracted by others who were louder and trying to secure their employment. Also, I do not promote my writing and this newsletter enough.  I’ve been hovering around under 100 subscribers for months. It is time to make more time for me to shine clearly.

• I lived in constant fear of loss. It made me sick. I nearly didn’t start my writing journey as I feared how it would conflict with work. Along the journey, I was afraid I would not maintain the practice in my spare time outside of work.  Writing made me a better employee. It also ensures I am a strong prospect for future work.  I didn’t make the connection before.. I will continue to explore how to work with these fears.

My gut reminds me of the dream: I want to write a book. Is this job loss the experience I write about?  I can already visualize a few titles:

• The Working Exploits of Media Company X (nah, it’s been done)

• 15 Years Down The Drain (too positive?)

• Whack-a-Mole Job Loss (too carnival)

• Multiplicity - The Many Hats of The Nadster (too gangsta)

• Mitigating Job Loss Through WRITING (BOOOOOOOOOORING!)

I am interested in helping people navigate corporate life, focusing on those first entering the workforce. I will allow my gut to guide me. There is an end and a beginning to this chapter along the path, in no particular order. I am excited to see where it goes.

To my former colleagues: Thank you for the memories. Thank you for your support. Look out for each other and continue to work TOGETHER. And don’t ever put aside your creative endeavours for anyone. Do not worry about me anymore - place this energy and focus on YOU. Believe in yourself as I believe in you NOW. And if anybody asks about me, let them know about Codename: BOOZECHIPS.

It has been a wonderful release to write this out and share with you. Now, for the love of Big G - please do not say you’re SORRY! It’s all good. And it will get better. Go ahead - send the booze and Wavy Lays my way before I begin my job search. I will settle for espresso beans and cupcakes. See, I am FLEXIBLE! 

I am OK-ish. And I am blessed. Me and my gut already thank you.

Stay strong for all and keep pursuing your passions, fellow creatives.

Naddy / Nadine